As a father of three children, I often find myself feeling that I’m leading a team without a playbook and usually adopting a “fake it till you make it” mindset. While there’s no denying that approach has served up the occasional parental win, it just doesn’t cut it when the inevitable happens and I mess up as a dad.
And despite my best intentions as a parent, the “messing up” part happens a lot. So when my mistakes arise to a level that deserves a meaningful response to one or all of my three sons, how am I to handle it? How can I be accountable to them and, in turn, attempt to teach them a valuable lesson in life?
Danielle Sered, a longtime restorative justice practitioner and acclaimed author, has an insightful response to these questions that’s found in a place where some may not be quick to look – a book on violence, mass incarceration and effective alternatives to our criminal justice system, including restorative justice. In her book, “Until We Reckon,” Ms. Sered offers a discerning, yet challenging read on these difficult subjects while taking a deep dive into the concept of accountability – a well-known cornerstone of restorative justice and practices.
So what does accountability really mean and how can it improve my response to my own misgivings as a father? According to Ms. Sered, accountability requires five key elements: (1) acknowledging responsibility for one’s actions; (2) acknowledging the impact of one’s actions on others; (3) expressing genuine remorse; (4) taking actions to repair the harm to the degree possible, and guided when feasible by the people harmed, or “doing sorry”; and (5) no longer committing similar harm.
Importantly, as Ms. Sered notes, these steps are not passive; accountability is “active, rigorous and demanding of the responsible person’s full humanity.” That’s a lot to take in for anyone, parent or not, when thinking about accepting responsibility for our actions.
As it relates to my role as a father, I have to admit this framework was a shock to the system. It put me back on my heels when I considered my typical response to my own parental mess-ups and how far I have to come to make them right. Those mess-ups and my reaction to them have typically followed a pattern: I lose my cool disproportionately to a mistake my son made; by overreacting to that mistake I make a less serious matter worse and awkward for him and the rest of the family; I eventually come to my senses and sheepishly eke out an apology; and, unfortunately, I repeat the behavior again (and again). Notwithstanding an apology, no one is winning here. True accountability, as defined by Ms. Sered, hasn’t taken place. If anything, this behavior is passive and certainly not full of my own humanity.
But even if only partially followed, Ms. Sered’s guidance on accountability allows this script to be flipped. Her framework offers an opportunity for me to change the narrative as a father in what it means to own a mistake. I need to lean in and recognize that a sheepish apology isn’t genuine remorse. I need to recognize that my mistakes can impact not just my one son, but his brothers and mother too. I need to challenge myself on how to “do sorry” rather than just say it. And most importantly, I need to commit to not repeating that behavior.
This work is hard. It’s the path of most resistance. Yet its benefits can be immense. As Ms. Sered writes, “We would do well to develop our methodologies for supporting people through accountability as thoroughly as we have developed our methodologies for supporting people through grief. It is no less necessary for a healthy society, and no less possible.”
If anyone is interested in learning more about restorative justice and its critical importance as an alternative to the U.S. criminal justice system, a thorough read of “Until We Reckon” is a recommended and logical first step.
Another step would be a visit to Salida’s Full Circle Restorative Justice (FCRJ), a nonprofit organization offering restorative justice and practices to the families and communities of Central Colorado. FCRJ staff is always on hand to answer any questions and provide information on volunteer opportunities. For more information on FCRJ, visit FullCircleRJ.org, and to support FCRJ through this year’s Colorado Gives Day, please visit ColoradoGives.org.
Jared W. Buchan is community services manager for Full Circle Restorative Justice.
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