TO: All congressional Republicans
SUBJECT: Rules for mandatory visits to Donald Trump’s UNJUST criminal trial
Just a quick reminder that every Republican lawmaker in the House and Senate is required to make at least one day trip to the Manhattan criminal courthouse while our hero and presumptive presidential nominee, Donald J. Trump, is being persecuted for doing nothing wrong whatsoever.
Because President Trump is under a (VERY UNFAIR) gag order and we have no understanding whatsoever of how the criminal justice system works, it is incumbent on us to be the former president’s loud and aggrieved voice. That requires several GOP representatives and senators to accompany President Trump into the courtroom each day for a few minutes before standing outside the courthouse and yelling into TV cameras about how mean everyone is being.
While the gag order technically forbids President Trump from directing others to speak on his behalf, we will echo his and his campaign’s exact talking points while smugly admitting that we’re basically helping him evade the gag order.
‘Standing back and standing by, Mr. President’
Rep. Matt Gaetz did a great job of that outside the courthouse Thursday, saying: “We’re here of our own volition because there are things that we can say that President Trump is unjustly not allowed to say. This is a corrupt judge, these are corrupted witnesses, this is a corrupt prosecution that belies any sense of the facts or the law.”
The Florida congressman also posted “Standing back and standing by, Mr. President” on social media, echoing President Trump’s fantastic and not-at-all-dangerous 2020 callout to the Proud Boys, a group the left calls a “far-right extremist group” and we call “a nice group of boys who are proud.”
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Great job, Matt! This is the exact reason we were elected and it is for sure the best use of our time and exactly what our constituents want us to be doing.
If we can’t help a former president manipulate and delegitimize America’s judicial system when he stands accused of paying hush money to a former adult film star prior to a presidential election, then what good are we as lawmakers?
This is truly God’s work. Just ask Mike Johnson, our super-evangelical House speaker who, appearing at Trump’s porn-star-centric trial earlier this week, was, as The Associated Press so aptly put it, “amplifying Trump’s defense and turning the Republican Party against the federal and state legal systems that are foundational to the U.S. government and a cornerstone of democracy.”
Or, as we like to call it: Doing our jobs!
‘Bend the knee to the insurrectionist in chief’
A few of you have complained that taking time away from Washington, D.C., is causing problems.
The House Oversight and Accountability Committee this week had to reschedule a hearing to hold Attorney General Merrick Garland in contempt of Congress because too many Republican committee members were leaving so they could stand outside the former president’s trial and yell.
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And the back-and-forth parade of loyal Republican lawmakers did prompt House Democratic leader Hakeem Jeffries to say: “It is extraordinary that so many extreme MAGA Republicans … felt the need to bend the knee to the insurrectionist in chief as opposed to staying in Washington and doing the business of the American people.”
To which we say, “Blah, blah, blah. Typical liberal, not willing to recognize the importance of attacking a judge and a judge’s daughter while also questioning the integrity of jurors at a criminal trial that makes us mad.”
Loser.
Anyhoo, a couple of quick things to keep in mind once you’ve signed up for your day to travel to Manhattan:
- Make sure to bring up how cold the courtroom is. President Trump having to sit in a cold room is clearly unconstitutional and is akin to the worst forms of torture imaginable. Blame Joe Biden for thermostat crimes.
- Repeatedly say the trial is “a sham,” “a hoax,” “a witch hunt,” “election interference” and “a kangaroo court.” Be sure to never explain or give any specific reason why it is one of those things.
- Remember, you do not work for the American people. You work for Donald J. Trump. Please put your integrity and whatever remains of your soul in a locker before boarding the bus to Manhattan.
A sign-up sheet will follow. MAGA!
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
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